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By: Clare Denton

Staying together for the children when a marriage goes wrong is all very noble but is it the right thing to do? Divorce can quite often be the better option even for them as the tension within the home can do more damage than separation. Even if there isn't all the shouting, arguing and slamming of doors children can sense when things are not quite right and may even think it could be their fault.

Once the decision to divorce has been made it is important to keep the children informed of what is happening using vocabulary appropriate to their age. Make sure they are clear on how they will be affected and try to make their upheaval as little as possible. To have to change schools or move away from their friends at such a time can make the process far more difficult for them.

They should be reassured that the changes going on are due to nothing they have done. Many children wonder if they are to blame and it can take a lot of repeating to actually get it through to them that their parents can no longer stay together because of how the parents feel and not because they've done or said something to cause the rift.

One of the worst thing that can happen to a child during the divorce process is to find themselves torn between the two parents wondering if they should be siding with one or the other. Never confide in your child no matter how old they are. Find an understanding friend to share your troubles with. Your child needs to be able to freely love both parents.

Keeping schools and other organizations your children belong to informed is a good idea. The official adults they are in contact with can then make more informed decisions on how to behave with your child. They are also more likely to notice if there are any profound changes in your child's behavior which may suggest they are not handling the situation well. There is no shame in divorce these days. It is certainly not uncommon and these official adults may well have previous experience with children in this situation and be able to help.

When the other parent is not prepared to be fair about arrangements for whatever reason, it is important that the other doesn't start having a moan to the children. If one doesn't turn up for visits or doesn't allow visits to happen just explain that you don't agree with what they are doing but you will just need to make the best of it. Don't play tit for tat - it is the children that get caught in the middle and nobody will ever win this game.

Rarely is shared custody awarded to parents these days so there will be just the one principle carer. Children need to know, however, that both parents still want to be a part of their lives. For the person who does not have principle care it is important that your children know your home is theirs too. Make a space fro their belongings to stay for when they visit.

Eventually one or both parents will enter a new relationship. This, too, can be an unsettling experience for the children, especially if the introduction is handled in the wrong way. It is often less stressful to introduce a new partner as a friend at first and to make sure that any intimate moments take place away from their eyes and ears. This way the children can form a good relationship with this person and be happy when they find out that the association is rather more than 'just friends'.

As far ash the children are concerned, even once divorce has taken place, mum, dad and kids are still family. This means they will want both parents involved in the important events in their lives. Try to help each other and work together in getting both of you to the school play or graduation day. You may have ended your marriage but your partnership in bringing up your children in the best way possible must continue.

Article Source: http://www.yesparenting.com/articles

Author Clare Denton offers help and support for divorcing couples. Here she talks about how to minimize the effects of divorce on children . For online support visit her site at Coping with Divorce Click here to get your own unique version of this article.

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