A common situation that many parents face is dealing with their children's behaviors. For example, let's say you had a five year old child that has just entered school. She was a polite, considerate, and helpful young lady at home and in front of her teachers. However, her behavior has recently changed at home and it involves talking back, swearing, and discussing sex in general terms. She learned these behaviors from other kids at school.

I am not sure how I should teach her to make the right choices about right vs. wrong. She has already skipped school at the urging of her 5 year old friend. HOw can I help her when she is out of my supervision at school? How do I instruct to make the right decision on her own?

That is a good question. Let's talk about the fundamentals behind this issue.

Kids in general try hard to do well in life. Their behaviors reflect what they think will bring them a successful result. The problem is that their idea of a successful result might not be the best idea. Sometimes they want the basics like hunger, warmth, and food. Or they might strive to have their parent's approval and love. Or they might be out to just have a good time.

They will exhibit the behavior they believe will get them the need they have at that time.

They will find that their behaviors don't always result in success. They learn from this and experiment with other behaviors until they find the ones that yield the desired result. When deciding what behavior to have we rely on experience, direction for our parents, and our skills and abilities. We create a group of behaviors that we hope will serve our needs effectively.

After trial and error we will find the behaviors that meet our needs. We will use these behaviors to get what we want. The more we are successful with a certain behavior, the more we engage in that behavior.

Back to your 5 year old daughter. Her behavior signals that she is in the process of trial and error. She is in a new situation at school and this has expanded her world. She is not sure how to react and is excited and nervous at the same time. She is testing different behaviors to determine which behaviors will yield a successful result.

Your daughter will most likely try a range of behaviors. Many of which will not occur ever again as they didn't work. Some behaviors will become a part of her usual behavior. Which behaviors will your daughter stick to? It really depends on the results of each experience. She is at an age where having your approval and love is very important to her. She needs to see your reaction to her behaviors. Outside reactions from others also play a role. For example, punishments and rewards can be a big influence on her behavior. She will seek the approval of you, her teachers, and her friends.

You have a great deal of influence as her parent. When she is this young she will listen to you. Later on is another story. Your influence appears in two ways.

1. How you respond emotionally to her behaviors. Do you approve or disapprove of her behaviors?

2. How you control her external environment. You have the power to choose her school, neighbors, and people she will be in contact with. You are the one who can give her punishments and rewards.

Weaving what he discussed together and looking at this strategically, you need to answer the following questions:

Do you think your daughter is just experimenting with her behaviors and that it will pass? If you do, then don't worry about it at all as she will move on to better behavior. Kids tend to do mischievous things at this age and still end up to be productive adults.

One thing to consideration is the intensity of reaction you demonstrate to bad behavior. Take swearing for example. If you become exasperated every time she swears, she may view swearing as an adventure because she wants to see you get bent out of shape.

If you feel as if her bad behavior is escalating too much then you need to do something to combat it.

At this point you will need to rely on your judgement of the situation. Are you doing all the things you can as a parent? Make sure that you are a positive role model. Remember, you have a significant influence on her.

Next, check out the school and your neighborhood. How have the children who grew up in this neighborhood fared when they grew up? Do they become productive adults or do most of the kids spend time in juvenile detention for most of their teenage years?

Spend time talking with parents and teachers at your school. Each school has a culture and perhaps your daughter is trying to fit into this culture. How concerned are the teachers? Does the behavior of most kids at the school improve as they get older?

Unfortunately, you can't watch over every influence in your child's life. You also can't be 100% sure that your daughter will learn right from wrong. However, you can improve the odds of this. Your influence as a parent is great and you should be a positive role model for your child.